"Big Dark Secret"

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Written, Arranged, Produced and Performed by Dave Caruso

This is how it starts
"Big Dark Secret" started out as another song, based on a true story about a person with whom I used to spend a lot of time.  She and I were close, and there was a warm magnetism between us, but we were never lovers. We both instinctively knew that we had too many differences and interests to be just right for each other.  Still, we valued the company and support our relationship gave us.  This woman was extremely intelligent--straight As in high school and college--and during the time we got to know each other, she was just becoming separated from her husband, with whom she had a child.  This woman was multi-dimensional, rich with interesting characteristics, and I knew someday I would write a song based on my experiences with her.

Real Genius
I decided to write a story about a girl who was very smart, but who somehow could never use any of that intelligence to understand the things going on inside her heart.  The song I wrote was called "Real Genius."  It began as a Smashing Pumpkins guitar riff, but evolved into a Del Amitri sort of feel.  After the song was finished, I was pretty excited about it, and I played it for people whenever I could, to see what kind of reaction it would get.  Everyone I played it for said that it wasn't as catchy as some of my previous songs.  I explained that it was an album cut, not a single, but although they could see how proud I was of the song, people just didn't share my level of excitement for it.  The more people I played it for, the more overwhelming it became that I was going to have to rewrite it.  More than a year after Real Genius was finished, I decided to change a few things.  It wasn't going to be easy to forget the original song and lyric and begin the rewriting process.

First, I made a copy of the song in my word processor.  From the feedback I got from my friends, I decided to play down the "Genius" aspect.  "Real Genius" wasn't a very commercial title, even though it communicated what I wanted to say.  So I removed the title from the page, along with all of the lines which I thought could use a little help, and all of the chorus except for the first line, which everyone had agreed was strong.  Now everything which I knew would be changed was simply blank space on the page.  It would be easier to come up with new lines without the old ones staring me in the face.  Rhymes, lengths of lines and melodies could be changed wherever I left a gap in the lyrics.  Most important would be the new title.  But I didn't have one.  "One True Weakness" was the strongest thing I had, but I still thought it could be better.

Tangled up in reason
After weeks of trying to come up with a new title, I decided to forget about it and work on the other lines.  Maybe replacing the other lines would help suggest a new title.  I started to flesh out new lines for the verses.  The first line of the song is probably the second most important lyric, next to the title or first line of the chorus.  My original first four lines were:

"What sets us apart
Makes me so incensed
Kills me from the start
The way it works against me"

This shows the narrator angry at the woman he's speaking to, simply because she's too smart to know her own heart.  Tension is good for a story, but the guy giving the advice was displaying qualities that made us (and therefore the woman in the story) not want to listen to him.  So this couplet had to go.  I replaced the first two lines with:

"This is how it starts--
All tangled up in reason

The new first line is describing the both start of a problem and the beginning of the song.  The second line more gracefully explains her predicament without making her or the narrator seem unattractive to the listener.

Now on to line three.  It was at this point that I decided to take the singer completely out of the action.  In "Real Genius," the singer was romantically linked with the girl.  In my new song, this wouldn't necessarily be the case, which would give the listener more possibilities to think about.  I replaced lines 3 and 4 with:

"It shouldn't be so hard
To find someone to believe in."

Right then I noticed that those two lines could've been written about me.  Could this very smart person be you, me, anyone?  Does it necessarily have to be a woman?  Is the narrator talking to another person or to himself?  These ideas were all worth pursuing, and I tried to keep these possibilities open as I worked on the other lines.

The next two lines were good, both musically and lyrically.  I liked that they were short, to the point, and they utilized one-syllable, true rhymes, whereas most of the rest of the song used sound-alikes rather than rhyming.  On the last verse, though, I originally had:

"Is it me
Who can't see?"

I liked this turn of events in the original version, but now that I wanted to remain mysterious as to the roles of the narrator and the person he was speaking to, so these two lines had to go.  Since the second verse ended less complimentary than the first verse, I ended verse three more encouragingly:

"Don't say no
Just let go."

Too much thinking
Things were shaping up nicely.  But I was still without a chorus and a title.  So I came up with two new choruses, both of which I scrapped because they weren't any stronger than the original chorus.  I don't believe in writer's block.  I only believe that you need to change your focus to something else and return when that something triggers the inspiration you need.  So it was back to the other lines for awhile.

I had no complaints with the bridge, and it was also a favorite lyric for most of the people I played if for.  It worked fine with the new characters, so I left it completely intact.  The second verse was also strong, even though a bit intellectual.  I chose "gauges" as a metaphor for the 5 senses, because a really smart person might measure these their symptoms more intellectually than emotionally, like a doctor might.  This may have stemmed from the fact that my real-life model for "Real Genius" was a pre-med student, but it would work equally well with a technician, an astronomer,  or a mathematician--or merely anyone who spends too much time thinking--which really broadens the possibilities.

Still no workable chorus ideas.  On to the beginning of the last verse.  It used to be:

"The evidence is in
Screaming, 'don't you get it?'
Take it for a spin
It's easy if you let it"

I liked the first line, which sees emotion intellectually in terms of "evidence."  The second line was a little condescending, and the fourth didn't make sense.  (What is easy if you let what?)  So I replaced them:

"The evidence is in
You haven't even read it
Take it for a spin
Or you can just forget it
Don't say no
Just let go"

All the answers
Okay, now it was do or die.  Time for a strong title and chorus.  I started playing with sound-alike rhymes for "weakness."  I made an internal rhyme:

"Cause too much thinking is our one true weakness
Temporary sweetness [something that rhymes with 'A']"

I would replace the scratch line in brackets later.  I knew I wanted an "A" rhyme, because I was working with a later line that I eventually threw out.  Soon, I came up with:

"Cause too much thinking is our one true weakness
Temporary sweetness slips away
And fear of losing is your ____ secret."

'Fear of losing' can be seen either as the fear of not winning or more subtly as the fear of losing something or someone.  Next, I started writing down adjectives and adjective phrases to fill in the blank.  After several substitutions, I wrote down "deep dark secret."  I liked it, but I didn't think it sounded original enough.  I knew based on my working melody that if I got this line right, these last few words might be the title of the song.  How about "Big Dark Secret?"  I liked it better because it was a bit less familiar, but traded on its similarity to "deep dark secret."  Also it was just as mysterious, but the innocence of the word "Big" made it less heavy.

For the last line, I added something I had tried in one of my earlier rejected choruses:

"Wise up or you'll give yourself away."

I don't like the double use of the word "away" as a rhyme, but it sings well, and "give yourself away" refers to giving away one's secret or one's plans.  It also refers back to the "fear of losing."

Musically, some nice new chords and arrangement ideas sprung from the word changes.  Here's the complete lyric.  I hope you enjoy it.

Dave Caruso
February, 2002